The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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