So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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