I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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