I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
