Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
