i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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