I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
