The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i think i have herpe
just one?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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