I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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