i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
