this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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