I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
