Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
BRING THE BAGELS
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
