Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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