grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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