Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Life is so much better after having sex.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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