just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
