after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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