My nipple is on Facebook.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize