I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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