my sisters under your porch take her home
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
