MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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