the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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