Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
