omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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