i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
