Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
