my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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