meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
