I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
