hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
