she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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