No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
