I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
