Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You can't just leave with hair like that
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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