you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
