What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
