The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
