I wish I could punch you in the face.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
