shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
