seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
