My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
