At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
