last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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