why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
