the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
