I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
