I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
