am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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