I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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