So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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