cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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