xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
