Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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