I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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