do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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