Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
