There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
