His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
