Don't make out with my wife yet
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
